Writing for Clarity, Writing for What-If

Last night I went to see "Precious." I never endured the horrors depicted in this poor girl's life. I never had a Mom who hated me or a Dad whose molestation meant me rearing two of his children. The thought of such brutality shudders my soul.

But something about this story hits home with me. I was encouraged by the power of the pen, the power of story. A big portion this movie was about the power of story to bring people together. Story enabled outsiders to relate to the pain of Clarice Precious Jone's horror. Story in my opinion is what made Precious whole at the end.

In a defining moment, Precious received some terrible news that she knew had altered her life forever. In this moment of climax,  her teacher implored her to write about it in her journal as she'd always been required to do before. I think it's because this instructor knew that writing would reveal those deep, invisible wounds for Precious and then lead her, with clarity, to a place of healing. Sometimes, I need to be healed because I silently fear the day. As if it's me that movie was talking to, I respond and write...

...My deepest fear right now is not knowing what will happen to me tomorrow. How did I end up right here, right now, so unprepared, so bankrupt? I tend to believe in being positive, but right now, this is the real me who wakes up every morning only to arrive at my uninteresting, dead-end job selling insurance for chips. How does it come to this that I wake each only to stay asleep? Why must my true consciousness be relegated to autopilot?

I want to live out my passions, to emote action and inspiration. So why does it feel like my life is so worthless? Why don't I attract the relationships I'm attracted to having? Why don't my ideas seem to mean anything to my peers? Why did I let myself get this fat? Why am I trapped in this web of constant disappointment? I’m stifled by so many valid why’s each one hacking away with its continuous demands for answers.

Yet one day, something will happen to me. One day, my life will change for the better. I know things feel down and out right now. But soon I will break through and add value: Meaningful words coupled with meaningful action, Meaningful dissent followed by meaningful dialogue, Meaningful pursuits leading to meaningful legacy. It's coming...

I sense it now, the difference. I understand now, that I've been one of billions who've lived in Henry David Thoreau's coined sense of "quiet desperation."

What if, for once, we all stopped relenting to the madness and finally claimed meaning for our lives?

Could this thankless society still keep us down?

Sometimes we must persist until we have a good idea. Joe with his own show will prevail. And it starts tonight.

Now that you've chosen to make Eggs: It's up to you to make them.

Hatch an egg, drop it in a hot pan and watch it fry. No this is not your brain on drugs, it’s a journey to a destination called breakfast. I can do another: tear open the packet, pour instant oatmeal in a bowl, add water and possibly some raisins, nuke it for 1 minute…now pour just a taste of syrup and stir. Boom just like that, you’ve taken another path to same destination we earth people commonly call breakfast. Why the eggs? Why these breakfast examples? It boils down to a simple metaphor (no pun intended).

My point is this. In my quest to understand my place in the world I tend to look to my past, to how I was treated by others. Often, I use these obvious details as outliers to explain my failure. Outliers are very important factors in determining failure and success. Malcolm Gladwell penned an impressive book on the subject. I highly recommend anyone to read it twice.

But sometimes, sometimes, a fried egg is just that, and no excuses can explain away my co-dependence to terrible choices. I've come to realize that there's a point in time when every rational success-seeking adult must admit, “My brain has been hooked on a bad habit, nothing more and nothing less.”

Ouch! That hurts to admit because that means that no there's no longer outside reason to lean on. It means that, as long as I am capable, no matter what happened to me, no matter what's been done to me by events or other people, I'm still accountable to myself for making my life better. Just as it's my responsibility to wake up every morning and crack my own eggs for breakfast, I'm the one in charge of making my life.

To continue with this egg metaphor, sometimes its been a while since i made eggs and the box is out of date. Or sometimes, my roommate uses all the eggs and doesn't replace them...(the bastard). Either way, if my breakfast-time-journey is fried eggs on toast, then it's up to me add the extra step of now having to throw on some pajama pants and slippers to join the crowd of early-morning-doers who simply want breakfast but, for whatever reason, now find themselves at Harris Teeter, desperately foraging for a key ingredient that they should have had, had it not been for decomposition or that inconsiderate roommate.

Personally I feel that a lot of things happened to me out of my control ( ie.. parents divorce, being abused by step-dad, getting kicked out at age 17, etc). These things that probably affected my development into adulthood. But if my life sucks (which admittedly a lot of it does) and I want to make it better, if I want it to actually be the truth when i tell people i'm doing "Great," then it's up to me to compensate for my own missed deadlines, or other people's failures. In other words, if want to eat the metaphorical breakfast of my choice. Then i must sometimes be willing buy some metaphorical eggs. Even if it's not my fault I'm metaphorically egg-less, it's still up to me and only me to get my lazy butt out of bed, throw on my overly-comfortable-looking

house clothes and go to metaphorical Harris Teeter and pay the metaphorical cost.

Now I can either complain about it and go back to bed, still hungering for eggs, or I can do it whatever it takes to have a successful breakfast.

In the end, each breakfast's success is as it has always been: up to me.